on the 27th

Random fact about me?  Dates stick out in my mind.  Unfortunately that wasn't true in college or I would have done a LOT better in Western Civ, but random dates do stick out in my mind and when they roll around my mind wanders.  Now, validly, my mind wanders a whole lot to start with but go with me here.

Today, Dec. 27th (because I started this before midnight), my day looked pretty normal... morning run, a bit of hanging out with friends, working at Sbux and baking some pumpkin cookies (yep, that's normal these days).  However, over the course of the day I thought about the 27th of other months and the significance of those days and where I was....

3 months ago, September 27th:  One of my favorite days on the trail.  Seriously... hiked 13 miles from Pleasant Pond Lean to to Moxie Bald Mountain Lean to.  Hiked the day with Pat, Mojo, Oatmeal, and Chill, some of my very favorite trail people.  Amazing campfires, beautiful weather, great mountains, and our first view of Katahdin (which was still 150 miles away).  Seriously as close to a perfect day as I can remember on the trail.

6 months ago, June 27th:  My first day back at Sulphur Grove after my sabbatical.  A day that changed everything.  A day that I realized how much I had changed.

8 months ago, April 27th:  I stood on Springer Mountain in Georgia... with NOT A CLUE where I was headed.  I intended to walk the trail for a couple of weeks, maybe a month.  I had NO IDEA I would end up in Maine, meet amazing people, and become a different, better, stronger person.

12 months ago, Dec. 27th, 2010:  I led an amazing team of teens and young adults to Batay #9 in Barahona, Dominican Republic.... where we mixed concrete and dreamed of changing the world.  A year ago tonight I was falling asleep to the sounds of the city on the top floor (open air) of the guest house while the warm ocean breeze blew.

The 27th... who knew it had such significance?  And what a difference a year can make... And as I look forward, I can't begin to imagine what the 27ths of the future hold.  I can dream.  I could tell you the things I hope for in the 27ths and other days to come.  I could tell you what I want and plan for and who I hope is a part of those days, so many things that depend on so many other things, other people and what they want, endless possibility.  I could be overwhelmed by that... but instead I choose to be content knowing everything comes together in its own time.  My dreams, my plans, the future... will happen exactly as they are meant to be.

SO tonight, as the cold wind howls outside and I head to sleep I wish for YOU this... I wish for you many amazing days and memories of your own, I wish for you amazing people to do life with, I wish for you blessings so numerous you can't count them and challenges that cause you to learn and grow.  I wish for you joy.  I wish for you many amazing 27ths of your own.

Bjs!!

time flies....

Home is weird.  Home doesn't always feel like home.  I am weird.

New story.

I left Maine nearly 2 months ago... and Virginia 6 weeks ago.  That's strange.  It has gone so very fast.  A lot of things are left undone... I haven't cleaned my raincoat yet... I hung my pack in the garage after I washed it and haven't brought it in... my trail runners are still caked in mud... I haven't finished my blogging about the trail yet.  

Home is weird.  Home doesn't always feel like home.  I am weird.

Same old story.

I have two jobs now.  I have traded in my hiker stink for the permanent smell of coffee permeating everything I own.  I no longer wear crocs and socks, but have my black Toms permanently attached to these feet.  I don't wear the same shorts and t every single day, but I have barely touched 99% of the clothes in my closet.

Home is weird.  Home doesn't always feel like home.  I am weird.

ARGH!

I still do miss the trail nearly every day.  It is still sometimes odd that I can shower every day and sleep in a bed.  I miss the woods, but as the snow and freezing rain started falling today I was glad to not be out there walking.  I miss my friends and it is comforting to hear from some of them that they struggle with the same things.  I have easily slipped back into some habits like too much internet and busyness.  I haven't been sucked back into everything though.  There are still people I haven't seen and things I haven't done.  I still sometimes feel like I don't really fit into this life, my priorities are different, my perspective has changed.  I don't regret the things I gave up and choices I made that led me back to the trail but I do miss them sometimes.  I miss some of the security that came with my old life... but I love sitting at the edge of the unknown.  Although I am struggling through some things, I am also excited to see what comes next.  

I have come to realize that as much as I love home and my family and friends... I don't want to feel stuck here.  I used to live on the edge of big adventure, always willing to run off and see what came next.  Somewhere along the way I got really really comfortable and stopped seeking adventures.  This summer I rediscovered the beauty of walking to the edge and taking the risk... and I don't want to be stuck again.  As uncertain as things are right now... I love the beauty of endless possibility.

This is my home... but I also know that wherever I am, wherever I am doing life, wherever I am with people I love... that is home too.  I want to live big.

I have been planning for another big adventure in 2012.  I don't talk about it because I feel like it may jinx it... but someday soon... details.

Oh Vermont... these trees live in Vermont... lucky trees!

I've been super stressed lately.

It ain't pretty and I ain't proud.

But it's true.

Stressed.

The job is going ok (although I am still adjusting to getting up at 4 am... baby steps).

I'm planning to start another new job early next week (fingers crossed).

There are things going on in my life that stress me out though.

Things that feel overwhelming and hard.

I'm the most unemotional person I know... 

but I have cried 3 times in the last 2 days.

Seriously.

What's wrong with me?!

Driving home this evening I came to the realization that things are not going to be easy any time soon.  In this season of my life... when I desperately wish I was still living in the woods (except for that whole central heat thing I got goin on in my house!).... this is where I find myself... overwhelmed and exhausted but thankful for each decision and step I took that brought me here.

Truthfully?  The time I spent in the woods this year changed some things about me.  As much as I am very much the same person, I am also very different.  Reality is that I have come to accept that I define happiness and success differently than a lot of people do. I may be struggling, but I am still in the place of saying I am headed for good things and places. One thing that hasn't changed though is my trust that God will provide.  I have always believed that.  I have always lived with the believe that it is all in His hands.  So today I am choosing to embrace that truth.  As December starts and Advent is here (one of my favorite times of year)... I will remember that God will provide, just as He always has.  

Does that mean no more stress or worry?  No.  

Likely it doesn't even mean no more tears!

However... I will make a decision today, and each day, to be thankful for what I have and know that God will provide all that I need.