What it means to fail...

I was listening to a morning radio show today on my sunny drive to the 'bux. They were talking about what it means to fail... Is it really possible to fail... You know, lighthearted morning conversation. ;)

I probably think about failure more than I should... and its likely because I tend to be a goal oriented kinda gal. I like to do things and do them well.  I like to win.  I like to have things go my way and to make people proud.  I like when people think I did things the way they are supposed to be and when I feel like I have met people's expectations.

In the last year I have been on such a roller coaster ride.  From living a life that I loved and met people's expectations of me but felt like I was drowning... to living on the trail, where my family and friends thought I was losing my mind, but I felt free... to working like crazy at 2 jobs that I am way over educated for where I feel like maybe I AM actually losing my mind!

Fact is that I know I won't be a barista or cashier forever and I am so very grateful for that.  I don't mind working hard and it has been a good reminder to me that being exhausted and working hard doesn't always mean making enough money... I have learned more in these two jobs than I would have thought and not just about couponing and lattes!  People often assume when they talk to me at the espresso machine or over my cash register that I have somehow failed and that has led me to be in these minimum wage jobs.  They assume that somehow I have not lived up to my potential, that I am uneducated or unworthy of their time.  I have been treated pretty poorly and told I was an idiot more than once.  It hasn't been easy and it has certainly been humbling.

I know though... I know that I am not failing at all.  This season of my life, these days, have a lot to say about success.  I need to remind myself of that on days like today...

I want to live a life that is important.  I want to travel and see the world and meet the people who live in it.  I want to help others more than I help myself, love others more than I love myself, give more than I take, extend grace more than I judge, see beauty more than ugliness.  I want to stand at the edge of beautiful places and know the joy of sharing them with those I love.  I want to inspire just one person to do something they didn't think they could.  I want to make a difference.  I want to change the world.  I want to spend my life earning hugs more than paychecks, giving love more than advice, owning memories more than things, living simply, sleeping with the exhaustion that comes from embracing the day.

I want to succeed at living... and fail at selling out.  I want to live big.

Yes. please.

If I could choose

Sunday has come to an end and since I don't have a nice "my office is closed on Monday for the holiday" job anymore, my weekend is officially over.  Ho hum.  

=)  Just kidding.  I had such a great weekend... from bagels with Meghan (who reminded me life should be filled with laughter) to coffee with Abby (who reminded me the big, important things are worth the struggle)... from celebrating Bob's birthday to laughing at Baby Abby's antics... from a quiet, reflective Saturday morning at home to an amazing evening worship at Candlelight... from seeing some of my favorite Chrysalis girls (and guys) to milkshakes and honesty with Faye... I had a weekend that was EXACTLY what I needed.... I am blessed.

I remembered this weekend what joy has come into my life... what struggles I have left behind... what big dreams lie ahead... and how blessed I am.  I also remembered how very much I love youth ministry and how much I miss it... and how I truly desire to get back there... but I also remembered that the journey to there is still a work in progress, much as I am still a work in progress... I am blessed.

I drove a bunch this weekend...and as I did, I thought about choices... how things would be if I could choose...

If I could choose I would choose bare feet, not socks or shoes.

...I would choose coffee in the morning with friends, not oversleeping my alarm and rushing off to work.

...I would choose meaningful and inspired worship services, not ritual and tradition.

...I would choose mountain sunsets, not fluorescent grocery store lights.

If I could choose I would choose sunrise by a waterfall, not rainy Monday mornings.

...I would choose to be snuggled up under the stars, not sleeping in a house in a neighborhood.

...I would choose white sand beaches, not city streets.

...I would choose winding paths through the wilderness, not sidewalks and pavement.

If I could choose I would choose the rich laughter of friends, not the hum of the TV.

...I would choose to spend my days serving and loving, not worrying about scan rates and quotas.

...I would choose more love and less judgement, more peace and less arguing, more grace and less selfishness, more humility and less pride.

...I would choose to follow dreams, not worry about things that don't matter.

If I could choose, I would choose to live, to love, to follow my heart.

Good thing I get to choose.... I am blessed.

You have to do things normal people don't understand, because those are the only good things." 

-Andy Warhol

I MAY think too much.

I MAY be a bit dramatic.

Lately I have had a good bit of time to think.  Mostly because a certain lovely little red headed niece of mine threw my ipod in the washing machine leaving me with nothing to listen to when I go running... lucky me.  But I digress...

I have been thinking about regret.  Weird, I know!  None the less its something I think about.  I have often told people that I have a "no regrets" policy.  I try really hard to live my life without regret.  That doesn't mean the same thing to everyone, it doesn't imply the same choices... but to me its quite simple.  When I get to the end of my days, when I look back over this crazy life of mine I want to be able to say I don't have regrets.

Does that mean I never make mistakes?  No.

Does that mean I never wish I had chosen a different path or choice?  Not at all.

Does that mean perfection and joy every day?  Nope.

What does it mean then?  That is what I have been thinking about lately.  I have to say that a year or even 9 months ago I had no clue that I would spend my days making lattes and scanning groceries.  I had no idea I would have made the choices I have made over the last 9 months.  I had no clue this is where the path was leading.  Yet here I am.  Am I living with regret?  Not even a little.

The truth is that life is full of choices.  Every day is full of simple and big choices, choices about how we will live, what we will say, how we will react, and what paths we will take.  Some are easy and fairly inconsequential.  Some are more complicated and their impact is further reaching.  Every day we choose... and we live with the choices we make.  Some we wish we could take back, others we swear we would make over and over again.

I've made choices lots of people don't understand.  Choices about college and grad school, jobs and careers, spending money and saving it.  Those choices have led me to amazing adventures and travels all over the world.  They have led me to friendships with amazing people in many different lands, people from all walks of life who inspire, mold, and change me.  Those choices don't always make sense to people.  People don't understand why grown women quit their successful and fulfilling careers to wander around in the woods or forgo buying a home in order to be free to travel wherever she feels led. 

People don't get me.  I know that.  I'm odd.  It's cool.

Yet, often as I have counseled and talked to teens I tell them the same thing over and over... Something like this:  You are young.  You should live big and have amazing experiences.  I was young once too.  I had a LOT of fun... you will make good and bad choices... embrace life and living.  Meet and be friends with people who are both reasonable and ridiculous.  Share life, surprise people, surprise yourself.  Take risks.  Go on adventures.  Study hard.  Learn everything you can.  Just remember, one day you won't be so young... when you look back at this big arc of your life, make sure you can say you have no regrets.  Every choice you make, every path you take... it all makes you who you are.  Make choices you can be proud of. Build memories that you can share with others.  Love people you are proud to know.  Change the world.  Don't have regret.

So often when I was out hiking people would say... You're walking to Maine?  Are you crazy?  I would just smile and nod a bit and say that most likely, yes I was in fact a bit crazy.  Then a lot of them would say, with some longing... I wish I had done that when I was young... taken the chance and tried.

SO, that's where I'm at.  That's what I have been thinking about on my little (slow) runs... taking risk, living without regret.  I could look right at you and tell you what I want... where I want to be headed, what adventures are next and who I want to take them with... but more than anything, I want to know that I have no regret.

I want to live some crazy, ridiculous dreams.  Live big.  Yes, please.

Finally!

3 and a half months.  Almost.

That's how long ago I came home from Virginia.  INSANITY.

  

Recently I was talking to some old friends who were asking me questions about hiking.  One of them said... "I would know this stuff if you ever finished your blog!".  I laughed, but its true!  I never did finish up...

Some things I can't really put an end to... its hard to put into simple words and numbers my big adventure... but as I look toward the spring and towards moving on to new adventures it seems more than time to put some final details to the end of the last one... a closure of sorts... so here you go.  (I know, so exciting.)

The nitty gritty:
Days I was gone: 144 (April 27- June 12 and July 17 to Oct. 23)
Miles hiked:  about 1900 (not done yet!)
Biggest mileage in one day:  25.4 miles (July 18)
Average pack weight (without food or water):  22ish pounds in the summer, 27ish in the spring and fall (too heavy!)
# of times I cried:  NONE!
(Well, once on the trip, but it wasn't on the trail... darn you Greyhound!)
# of toenails lost:  3, 2 babies, 1 big (yep, gross)
# of pairs of shoes I went through:  4
# of packs:  2 (and I LOVE my new pack, LOVE.  Thanks Osprey!)
# of snickers consumed:  WAY WAY WAY too many
# of pounds lost:  40ish
# of nights I camped completely alone: 9 (don't tell my mom)
# of bears sighted:  about 30
# of moose:  technically 2, but really 1.  Yay for Maine!

My least favorites:
Trail town:  Port Clinton, PA... sorry Port Clinton... what a dump!
Trail things:  wet shoes, carrying a wet tent, and no water in PA and NJ in the heat of summer.
Mountains:  the one on the way out of Hot Springs, NC- terrible... and Old Speck Mountain- one of 2 days I actually, really almost quit.
Day: tied- Sept. 16th Speck Pond to Andover, ME (TERRIBLE COLD) and July 22nd into Boiling Springs, PA (MISERABLE HOT)

FAVORITES:
Trail Towns:  Stratton, ME, Monson, ME, and Hot Springs, NC
Parts of the Trail:  Roan Mtn to Mt. Rogers (TN/VA) especially the Grayson Highlands, Maine (all of it, especially the 100 Mile Wilderness), and the White Mountains (cliche but truly amazing)
Trail Magic:  Slack pack into Hanover, NH, slack pack into Andover, ME, and John the realtor's front porch in Salisbury, CT... and cinnamon rolls in the 100 mile wilderness
Sunrise/Sunset views:  Sunset on Cheoah Bald (TN), Sunrise by Moxie Bald Lean-to at the edge of the pond in my sleeping bag (AMAZING), Sunset at Byrd's Nest #3 all alone in the Shennies (BEAUTIFUL)
Days:  Sept. 9th- Lake of the Clouds Hut to Osgood Tentsite (over Mt. Washington and Madison- Amazing), Sept. 27th- Pleasant Pond Lean-to to Moxie Bald Lean-to, Oct. 7th- Katahdin
Animal Sightings:  MOOSE in Ethel Pond, Bear in the 100 mile wilderness and while climbing Snowbird Mtn.
Surprises:  Fort Montgomery, NY, slackpacking over Baldplate, seeing Ghandi on Katahdin, amazing friends.
People:  too many to list, but to start.... Oatmeal, Chill, Mojo, Old Skull, Uncle Rey, Chuck and Chow, AAA and Stitch, Clutch, Yoga Boy, (of course) Sweet Cheeks, and so many more


THE Very Best Memories:  all of it of course, but without a doubt these three:
-the first night in the 100 Mile Wilderness... we had planned to go much further but stopped at Wilson Gap Shelter and had a perfect night.  Blazing fire, great friends, laughter, and Oniagi played guitar and sang Indigo Girls... beautiful.
-Cooper Brook Falls in the 100 mile wilderness... after days of cold and rain I woke up in the packed shelter, beside beautiful waterfalls and changing leaf colors... so close to the end... beautiful.
-climbing Katahdin- I got cold and left before everyone else from the campground... it was SO cold, I was all alone climbing up, just a perfect day, everyone got to the top and it was EXACTLY how it should be... beautiful

Don't watch the videos...

Today I was super lazy... and by super lazy I mean I didn't work at either of my jobs.  Weird but true.

SO, this evening after a day full of church, hanging out with my mother, watching 9 year old basketball games, and trying really, really hard to not either cry or scream (that's where I'm at today, just being honest)... I sat down on my bed before dinner and something bad happened...

I decided to watch some other people's videos of their AT thru hikes.

Don't watch the videos.

Seriously.

This week, as I have wished and fought with myself about how to make another hiking adventure happen, as I have struggled with the desire to just walk away, like I did last time... as I have wished to sleep in a tent and snuggle down into my sleeping bag...

I shouldn't have watched the videos.

I miss the woods.  WAY WAY WAY more than is reasonable.

I truly believe that I lived my hike to the fullest.  I believe that I had a good attitude and even on the tough days I learned amazing lessons and embraced beauty... I don't know that I could have done much differently to really embrace the experience...

Yet I miss the woods and long to be there.  Watching the videos makes my heart not just long for, but ache for the woods.

Don't watch the videos.

Tuesdays sometimes feel like Mondays...

It is pouring, pouring, pouring down rain this morning... and I am EXHAUSTED from my weekend at Chrysalis.  Sometimes Tuesday mornings feel like Mondays... ho hum!

So depressing that is... Mondays can be rough, especially after amazing weekends like I had at Greene Street UMC.  Mondays usually come with the dread of another long week ahead... much coffee to be made, many groceries to scan.  Monday is hard.

Today I don't want to feel that though... today I want to be excited for a new week... especially after spending so much time this weekend thinking about what I really want, where I really want to be, and what direction I really want to take.  I won't be a barista forever (that I know of), but its not that bad right now.  I like the people I work with and laugh a lot.  Being a cashier is a LOT less fun, but that too is for now, hopefully not forever.

My feet itch to walk long paths through the wilderness... my heart desires to be with my trail friends, old and new... my soul longs for the peace of being a hiker.  But truth... truth is that I knew when I walked off the top of every mountain along the way that I couldn't be a hiker forever.  I WILL have to have a job, make money, pay the bills... I would LOVE for that to not be true, but it is.  I can be a hiker forever, but not every day of it.  When I first came home from Virginia in October I thought my longing for the wilderness would fade as life happened around me and I moved on.  Although I wouldn't say I think about it ALL the time anymore, it is certainly something that I think about way, way more than I imagined I would.

This weekend, on Girls Flight #53, I sat with the most amazing 4 teen girls at the Table of Transformers, Butterflies in Disguise (don't ask), and my youth table leader.  Five amazing and beautiful girls who laughed a lot, thought a lot, shared a lot, and (mostly) embraced their experience.  We talked a lot about love, passion, living lives that are important... making a difference.  Looking at them I remember all those years ago when I sat in the same spot and thought similar thoughts and dreamed similar dreams.  My life is amazing.  I love it so very much.  This weekend I resolved that even when Tuesdays feel like Mondays and all I really want is to crawl back into bed and sleep for a year, when my heart longs for the mountains, and my soul longs for peace... I will remember how amazing my life is, how far I have journeyed... and as Kinsey said... "God's not done with me yet".

**PS. If you know anyone who wants to pay me to hike, I'm open to that too!!  Hahahaha... no, seriously.

Find the roast you love the most...

If you had found yourself at the Brown Street Starbucks the last couple of days between the early hours of 7 and 10 am, my fellow barista Bethany and I could have helped you to discover the 'roast you love the most'... We would also fill your mind with some of our vast (not) coffee knowledge. True.

 Lately the big wigs have been visiting our Kroger. Apparently our store is the 2nd highest grossing store in the nation. When they stop and talk to us we are suppose to say 'it doesn't get any better than this.' True.

This weekend I am serving on a Chrysalis team, completely unexpectedly. I have some amazing memories, great friends and inspired moments that have happened in this old church. It is an unexpected blessing to be serving here, especially when I have been missing ministry so much. True.

 This week was hard. People I love dearly were hurting in big ways... I worked myself to the edge of exhaustion... I didn't get to have much time for family or friends... And the person I usually love to intentionally email or text every day went days between messages.

I haven't replied to emails in ages, I rarely sit and chat with my mom anymore... Life is busy, the wind is cold... And time moves along.

 There have been some amazing sunsets this week, nights full of beautiful cold, black, starry skies... Even the moon has been big and orange and amazing. This week I missed sleeping in a tent, snuggled up in a sleeping bag... It's too cold for that right now, but I sure would love it.

Some days I really miss my old life... Both the pre trail one and trail life.

Some days I am so thankful for this season, these days.

I recently read a quote that said "feed your dreams, not your fears." So as I find myself here, in this season, I am learning to do just that. I have big dreams. I want things that seem unattainable. I want things that depend on what others choose, things beyond my control... I have crazy plans and no idea how to make them be reality... But I want to feed the dreams, I want to live a big, big life.

 Maybe part of being here this weekend, in this old, familiar place, is about learning to be quiet and learning to let go of control. I'm ready for the next adventure. Wanna come?!