on the 27th

Random fact about me?  Dates stick out in my mind.  Unfortunately that wasn't true in college or I would have done a LOT better in Western Civ, but random dates do stick out in my mind and when they roll around my mind wanders.  Now, validly, my mind wanders a whole lot to start with but go with me here.

Today, Dec. 27th (because I started this before midnight), my day looked pretty normal... morning run, a bit of hanging out with friends, working at Sbux and baking some pumpkin cookies (yep, that's normal these days).  However, over the course of the day I thought about the 27th of other months and the significance of those days and where I was....

3 months ago, September 27th:  One of my favorite days on the trail.  Seriously... hiked 13 miles from Pleasant Pond Lean to to Moxie Bald Mountain Lean to.  Hiked the day with Pat, Mojo, Oatmeal, and Chill, some of my very favorite trail people.  Amazing campfires, beautiful weather, great mountains, and our first view of Katahdin (which was still 150 miles away).  Seriously as close to a perfect day as I can remember on the trail.

6 months ago, June 27th:  My first day back at Sulphur Grove after my sabbatical.  A day that changed everything.  A day that I realized how much I had changed.

8 months ago, April 27th:  I stood on Springer Mountain in Georgia... with NOT A CLUE where I was headed.  I intended to walk the trail for a couple of weeks, maybe a month.  I had NO IDEA I would end up in Maine, meet amazing people, and become a different, better, stronger person.

12 months ago, Dec. 27th, 2010:  I led an amazing team of teens and young adults to Batay #9 in Barahona, Dominican Republic.... where we mixed concrete and dreamed of changing the world.  A year ago tonight I was falling asleep to the sounds of the city on the top floor (open air) of the guest house while the warm ocean breeze blew.

The 27th... who knew it had such significance?  And what a difference a year can make... And as I look forward, I can't begin to imagine what the 27ths of the future hold.  I can dream.  I could tell you the things I hope for in the 27ths and other days to come.  I could tell you what I want and plan for and who I hope is a part of those days, so many things that depend on so many other things, other people and what they want, endless possibility.  I could be overwhelmed by that... but instead I choose to be content knowing everything comes together in its own time.  My dreams, my plans, the future... will happen exactly as they are meant to be.

SO tonight, as the cold wind howls outside and I head to sleep I wish for YOU this... I wish for you many amazing days and memories of your own, I wish for you amazing people to do life with, I wish for you blessings so numerous you can't count them and challenges that cause you to learn and grow.  I wish for you joy.  I wish for you many amazing 27ths of your own.

Bjs!!

time flies....

Home is weird.  Home doesn't always feel like home.  I am weird.

New story.

I left Maine nearly 2 months ago... and Virginia 6 weeks ago.  That's strange.  It has gone so very fast.  A lot of things are left undone... I haven't cleaned my raincoat yet... I hung my pack in the garage after I washed it and haven't brought it in... my trail runners are still caked in mud... I haven't finished my blogging about the trail yet.  

Home is weird.  Home doesn't always feel like home.  I am weird.

Same old story.

I have two jobs now.  I have traded in my hiker stink for the permanent smell of coffee permeating everything I own.  I no longer wear crocs and socks, but have my black Toms permanently attached to these feet.  I don't wear the same shorts and t every single day, but I have barely touched 99% of the clothes in my closet.

Home is weird.  Home doesn't always feel like home.  I am weird.

ARGH!

I still do miss the trail nearly every day.  It is still sometimes odd that I can shower every day and sleep in a bed.  I miss the woods, but as the snow and freezing rain started falling today I was glad to not be out there walking.  I miss my friends and it is comforting to hear from some of them that they struggle with the same things.  I have easily slipped back into some habits like too much internet and busyness.  I haven't been sucked back into everything though.  There are still people I haven't seen and things I haven't done.  I still sometimes feel like I don't really fit into this life, my priorities are different, my perspective has changed.  I don't regret the things I gave up and choices I made that led me back to the trail but I do miss them sometimes.  I miss some of the security that came with my old life... but I love sitting at the edge of the unknown.  Although I am struggling through some things, I am also excited to see what comes next.  

I have come to realize that as much as I love home and my family and friends... I don't want to feel stuck here.  I used to live on the edge of big adventure, always willing to run off and see what came next.  Somewhere along the way I got really really comfortable and stopped seeking adventures.  This summer I rediscovered the beauty of walking to the edge and taking the risk... and I don't want to be stuck again.  As uncertain as things are right now... I love the beauty of endless possibility.

This is my home... but I also know that wherever I am, wherever I am doing life, wherever I am with people I love... that is home too.  I want to live big.

I have been planning for another big adventure in 2012.  I don't talk about it because I feel like it may jinx it... but someday soon... details.

Oh Vermont... these trees live in Vermont... lucky trees!

I've been super stressed lately.

It ain't pretty and I ain't proud.

But it's true.

Stressed.

The job is going ok (although I am still adjusting to getting up at 4 am... baby steps).

I'm planning to start another new job early next week (fingers crossed).

There are things going on in my life that stress me out though.

Things that feel overwhelming and hard.

I'm the most unemotional person I know... 

but I have cried 3 times in the last 2 days.

Seriously.

What's wrong with me?!

Driving home this evening I came to the realization that things are not going to be easy any time soon.  In this season of my life... when I desperately wish I was still living in the woods (except for that whole central heat thing I got goin on in my house!).... this is where I find myself... overwhelmed and exhausted but thankful for each decision and step I took that brought me here.

Truthfully?  The time I spent in the woods this year changed some things about me.  As much as I am very much the same person, I am also very different.  Reality is that I have come to accept that I define happiness and success differently than a lot of people do. I may be struggling, but I am still in the place of saying I am headed for good things and places. One thing that hasn't changed though is my trust that God will provide.  I have always believed that.  I have always lived with the believe that it is all in His hands.  So today I am choosing to embrace that truth.  As December starts and Advent is here (one of my favorite times of year)... I will remember that God will provide, just as He always has.  

Does that mean no more stress or worry?  No.  

Likely it doesn't even mean no more tears!

However... I will make a decision today, and each day, to be thankful for what I have and know that God will provide all that I need. 

Happiness and Joy

OOOOOHHHH.  I probably shouldn't blog after getting up at 4 am.  I probably shouldn't blog after drinking 4 cups of coffee and a cinnamon dolce latte before noon...but I'm going to!  Pretty much because... I'm cool like that!

I have been thinking recently about happiness.  I know, I know... such deep thoughts I have, but hear me out on this.  I have decided (although I would imagine someone else has decided long before me) that happiness is WHAT I am and joyful should be WHO I am.  I've written so much here about finding happiness, being happy, holding onto happy.  Those are all good things.  Happiness matters.  I don't want to face my days with a frown or be a cranky pants.  Some days aren't great.  Today I was training to open at work, which meant being there at 5 am.  That means (since I live 20 minutes away) that I had to get up at 4 am.  Let me just say... not happy about that!  I did it though, because for this season of my life it's what I have to do.  Happiness wasn't in my morning, until I decided to let it be.

I have been stressed about some things lately.  I don't want to be.  I want to pretend that everything is honky dory an I am not stressed... but I am.  I worry.  I fret.  I think about what I need to do and how to pull it all together.  I put a good face out for others.  Yet, I worry.  Stress makes me unhappy.  Worry makes me not sleep.  When I am tired its hard to put a smile on this face... Happiness isn't a part of that path.

Yet as I have thought more about it... happy is WHAT I am.  It's situational.  It depends on outside circumstances and how I react to them.  Happy is important, but I can't always be happy.  Sometimes its hard to get to that place.

However, joyful is WHO I want to be.  I want there to be joy in my life, simply for the living.  I have nothing that should take away that joy.  Things may not be exactly as I want them right now, but I have no reason to not have joy in my life.  Joyfulness is about choosing to be thankful and live that out.  Happiness comes and goes, joyfulness is a long term commitment.

I used to be afraid of commitment.  I'm not so much anymore.

So, I want to live with joy.  I want it to be part of who I am.  I realize that I won't always be happy.  Life is hard and sometimes things are difficult.  I won't always have a smile on my face... but I want joy to shine from my life.  I want to be peaceful, joyful, and real.  In the midst of my stress I want there to be a place of peace and joy.

I recently told someone I was one of the most laid back people they would ever meet.  Is that true?  Not in the past, but more so every day as I attempt to learn to live with a joyful heart... I want to embrace and share joy.  The happiness that comes with knowing exactly who will provide.

... one month later...

“There is more to us than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps

for the rest of our lives we will be unwilling to settle for less.”

Kurt Hahn*

I was out and about in Dayton today… went to a job interview, hung out at the GS council with a great friend, bought some cake making stuff, went for a run, harassed my (very lazy) dog… the things that make up my life these days.  It was a beautiful day… and suddenly, mid afternoon I realized that it has been a month since I stood on the top of Katahdin.  A whole month!  How did that happen?  I have been back in Ohio for 2 weeks.  Two weeks!  How did that happen?

One month has passed.  In some ways it feels like a lifetime.  In some ways it was yesterday.  So where do I stand a month later?  One month later… I don’t want to forget how alive I felt on top of Katahdin.  How huge of an accomplishment I felt I had achieved.. One month later I don’t want to forget how beautiful that moment was… and how hard I fought to get there.  I proved a lot of people wrong… I proved myself wrong.  I never quit or cried, I never gave up or gave in.  I met amazing people, I fell in love with life and living again.  I remembered to live in the moments, as hard and ugly or beautiful and wonderful as they were.  I remembered what it means to be passionate about living your life.  I remembered what it means to be peaceful.  I remembered what it means to live your dreams, as ridiculous and unattainable as they seem to others.  I remembered what it is like to do life with people who “get it” when no one else does.

Mostly I remembered what it was like to be happy.  Some days I feel so immature and selfish.  Some days I feel really irresponsible and my bank account says I am getting to be pretty desperate… but man was I happy on the trail.  Not just because I had no responsibilities or tough decisions… not because it was perfect and easy… but because I just WAS happy.  I’m trying hard to hold onto that.

Honestly?  I want nothing more than I want to be back in the woods.  I think about it, plan for it, pray about it and dream.  My life made sense there.  I felt ALIVE every day.  It wasn’t easy or pain-free.  It didn’t always go the way I thought it would.  There were days that were frustrating and hard... but it's a beautiful life being a hiker.  Beautiful.

I am trying hard to keep remembering the lessons I learned on the mountains of the east this summer.  It seems like a dream.   I wish things like that I had taken more pictures or kept a better journal.  I sometimes wish I had turned around on Katahdin and hiked south all the way to Georgia… just to breath in a few more days/weeks/months in the mountains.  When I was hiking people would say “is this the first time you have thru hiked” and I would say “this is the ONLY time I will thru hike” and yet now I think almost every day about if I would do it again… and some days I really think I would.

Maybe I am just nostalgic for the mountains and the simplicity and my friends.  Maybe I just want to be back in that place that made me so happy with people who understood. 

My camera wasn’t always working at the end of the trip (much like everything else electronic in my pack) and I would stand on mountain tops and stare at amazing views and tell myself… this one is just for you Carly, this one is just for the memory… you get to keep this one.  So much of my hike is that way in my head.  I get the memories… I can’t put them into words or show a good picture.  I just get to keep them for me.  I relive them when I am driving or when I am trying to sleep at night.  The memories won’t ever be as amazing as the experience.  Yet I am blessed to have them.

People in Ohio don’t always understand (some do!) or even care much about my big hike.  It doesn’t fit into their lives and the busyness, and I get that.  Sometimes I allow myself to be shocked how very little people care about the last 6 months of my life…. until I realize how selfish it is to even think that.  I had this experience, I lived the dream, I can’t expect everyone to be as amazed by it as I am.

And so, I find myself here, one month after Katahdin… I don’t miss a lot of the nitty gritty parts of the  trail, but I miss some of it more than is probably reasonable.  Sometimes I hope it won’t always be this way, that I won’t ALWAYS think of it on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis.  Mostly though I hope it will ALWAYS be this way.

In Monson, a hiker friend and I were talking after dinner one night.  I had met him in North Carolina and then run into him again near Mt. Washington… then saw him in Monson.  He told me that at Mt. Washington he thought I was a different person, so much happier and more at peace than in North Carolina.  That’s what I want… that’s who I want to be.

My life is a mess of contradictions.  Sometimes I think I am going crazy.

Yet the AT will always be a part of who I am.  I want to be peaceful.  I want to love life.  I want to embrace this time and the opportunities that are in front of me. 

I am blessed.

Last week my friend Patrick sent me a picture of me

(does that sentence make sense to anyone but me?!). 

At the time I told him I hated it because I look like... well, goof troop really.

He says its his favorite.

 My friend Betsie told me it makes me look like a blind person.

This picture makes me laugh though... and I put it here because today, in Ohio, I want to remember days like this... a beautiful day in Vermont with a surprise deli and an unexpected slack pack into Hanover, NH.

A beautiful day on the trail...

enjoying sunshine, friends, laughter, and trail magic beauty.

 Today I thought a lot about wanting to be here...

 or here...

 And I thought a lot about life... and how as much as I miss the trail, I don't want to let the days I have here pass waiting and wishing for something else.  I miss the woods... but they aren't gone forever. 

I'll be back there. 

For now I don't want to forget to embrace these days...

Life is beautiful if challenging and today is a gift.  I've said a lot that I wanted to remember to embrace THESE days, wherever THESE days happen.  SO today, in Ohio... I am thankful.

Ohio... the state, not the girl!

On the trail most people go by nicknames.  Usually they are given to them by other hikers... my trail name is Ohio... which is totally lame, but it was given to me on day 2, so I get to keep it.  =)

I would like to kick off this post with a shout out to my feet.  Here they are on the summit of Katahdin.  That's Ben/Info and Harmony behind them.  They thought I was ridiculou for saying "Thank you" to my feet... but seriously... did any part of me work harder or take more abuse on its way to Maine?  And look... I thanked them by making them walk in these shoes that were falling apart.  Thanks feet, you rock! 

(Yes, I am weird!)

Onward...

Current Location:  Vandalia, OH

I returned to Ohio on Monday afternoon.  I'm not sure what to say about that.  So I'll say this...I love being in Ohio and seeing my family and friends, but I miss the journey north and my trail friends.  I love the busyness of my life here, but I miss the peace and tranquility of days on the trail.  I love the convenience of civilization, but I miss the simplicity of life in the woods. 

I am so thankful for the journey that took me from Georgia to Maine.  It was unexpected and ridiculous, beautiful and simple, challenging and painful, inspiring and amazing.  It almost seems like a dream sometimes, the 5 months I spent in the woods, so far removed from here, so difficult to put into words and impossible to capture in pictures.

Its going to take me a while... to think through all the things that I learned, all the weirdness, all the details.  I will put more here... give you my thoughts, tell you the stats, answer some lingering questions.  But for now, I can't get my brain around all that has happened.  What seems in my brain like a really long walk in the woods is in reality something that will be with me forever.  I am blessed.

Here I am on the summit of Katahdin.  For a long, long time I saw these pictures people took at the end of their journey.  I never really though that I would have one of my own... and I do... because I walked to stinkin Maine!  Badda Bing...



It was crazy...

Many more adventures to come... stay tuned!!

Shennies

Current location: Waynesboro, VA

Accumulated miles: 1800ish

After a cold, windy, rainy, but BEAUTIFUL 5 1/2 days I have made it out of Shenandoah National Park and into Waynesboro, VA. Whew!

The "Shennies" surprised me in a lot of ways. The park was PACKED with people every time I got near a wayside or Skyline Drive (multiple times a day) but the backcountry was pretty much deserted... its amazing how many people visit such a beautiful place and never leave the pavement. It was also BEAUTIFUL with the leaves changing colors. It surprised me to hit peak leaf season, having just been in peak season so far north in Maine. It also surprised me how easy the terrain was and how quickly the miles went by... or maybe my feet are moving faster than they used to... =)

Of course, the weather was tough... I was cold and wet and COLD a lot... one afternoon I spent 4 hours in a campground laundry room with some great people who are riding bikes to promote peace and awareness (ARTTE) while the rain poured and the wind blew outside... my life is so odd sometimes!

But it was a good, if tough, week... and what did I learn? HMMMM... I learned I am tougher than I thought... and that sometimes the best place to "sit and figure it out" is when my feet are following a trail through the woods.

I'm gettin there... slowly but surely... and its still a crazy good journey. =)

NOBO no more, SOBO for now

Current location: Front Royal, VA

Accumulated miles: 1660ish

Up until this time last week, I was a NOBO, or a north bound thru-hiker. Starting Tuesday though I became a SOBO, or south bounder. I left Harpers Ferry on Tuesday afternoon and headed south. It is still a bit odd and I sometimes get really confused, but its an intersting journey for sure!

Being south bound this time of year means a lot fewer people, still amazing fall colors, and (lucky me) 3 straight days of rain. YAY!

Really though, becoming a southbounder, getting on the bus out of Bangor, Maine and traveling down here meant leaving behind a life and people that I had grown so content with. I was a happy hiker and I admit I wasnt ready to see it end. AT ALL. Now I'm here, in the south again, without my the support system I had built, and its a lot harder than I thought it would be. I'm still hiking along, still keeping pace, and still loving the journey... but now my journey looks really different and I am learning to live differently. I'm not always ok with that... but I am learning to embrace this time, the things I am finding out about who I am, and to be stronger than I usually let myself be.

I usually tell you what a blessed journey this is and that is still true. Yet in the sake of honesty, it's also a journey that is tough right now, but God is teaching me much in it... and I will continue to walk this path, however far it leads.

Tomorrow, into Shenandoah National Park. YAY!

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mountains

Current location: near Boston, MA

Accumulated miles: 1600ish

On Friday morning I left Katahdin Stream Campground and climbed up to Katahdin's Baxter Peak. It towers almost 4000 ft above the campground and is the northern end of the Appalachian Trail. I still have some miles to make up.. but it was a big day even for me.

The climb was 5.2 miles of rocks and boulders... and luckily enough ICE...since its been so cold lately in Maine. BUT after a week in the 100 mile wilderness with distant glimpses of the mountain it was an amazing climb, capped by time at the summit with great friends. I can't put it into good words.. the beauty of the cold, clear day... the goodness of sharing it with friends who walked the same hard days and good ones... the overwhelming sense of accomplishment. It was good... very very good.

Since I can't say things eloquently I will tell you what I wrote in the book at the ranger station...
'This journey didn't end on the mountain top... it only matters if we let it... make this day count.'

As I head for Virginia and some skipped miles I keep that thought close. My journey started long ago and its not over... life is just as much about the hard days in muddy, cold valleys as beautiful mountaintops... and I am learning much about grace and peace and forgiveness in all of the places I find myself.

I lived a dream Friday... I did something I long dreamed about... and that matters. What happens next matters more....

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Put me in a canoe...

Current Location:  Caratunk, Maine

Accumulated mileage:  1450ish

Well... still in Maine!  It's a big state... what's a girl to do?!  (Maine actually has the second most miles of any state on the trail... just FYI).  Actually, I find myself at the Northern Outdoors Center in Caratunk after a few rainy days, ready to take a break... for the night at least!

Today we crossed the Kennebunk River in a canoe... it's the official way to cross because fording the river can be really dangerous and there is a man there who takes you across... works for me!  It was a funny way to move along the trail though and I thought about all the different ways that I have moved along these miles.  Mostly I've moved on foot but I also took a car one day when there was a trail closure due to bear activity.  I did a few miles up Wildcat Mountain in a gondola... so just add canoe to the crazy, random list!

It's hard to believe that I am here in Maine.  It's hard to believe I am so very close to the end of the trail.  Although I have just 151 more miles to get to Katahdin, I also have about 450 other miles to make up (some of which I am planning to do after Katahdin)... but it is so wild that I have done this crazy journey and come so far.  It is so unexpected and I often tell people that I am an accidental thru hiker... I never meant to walk this far, it just happened!

However, I know that it is exactly where I need to be and exactly where I am meant to be.  I am still learning, still growing, still struggling.  I have come far, but I have far to go.  I have thought a lot about things that I know I need to do differently... about how very selfish and self centered I tend to be... about how much I need to change the way I interact with people and be less judgemental.  But those are thoughts for another day... for now... I am still in Maine, still on this crazy journey... still happy and peaceful and moving forward.  I am blessed.

Living

Current location: Stratton, Maine

Accumulated miles: 1400 something

Oh Maine... Maine is kicking my butt!! It is beautiful and good and I am loving it... but they have some serious mountains here! When they say Maine is one of the hardest states on the trail its no joke!! Although I feel good and know I can walk up those big hills, its still wearing me out!

It seems there are two groups of hikers at this point on the trail... first, the ones who want badly to be done and are moving up the trail with the single minded focus on the end. I get it. Its definitely tiring and walking day in and day out wears out your body... and is tedious. Then there are those who are dragging it out, extending these days... not ready for it to end.

I think I fall somewhere in between... I am tired, my body is sore, and sometimes the walking is tedious... but I am also still enjoyng the journey and not ready to see it end quite yet. Of course, I know I have some skipped sections to make up, so I havent walked quite as far as some people... but after more than 1400 miles I am still in love with the journey... and amazed that I have been blessed to be on it!

Its crazy... this whole idea of walking a long, long way... all the way up the east coast really... and I still sometimes wonder what it is that motivates me to walk... but even on cold, rainy mornings I can see the beauty of these moments... and really that is what the journey is about for me... simple beauty.

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Maine!

Current location: East Andover, ME

Accumulated miles: 1340ish

It's crazy... but I have walked to Maine. INSANITY!! I don't even know what to say about that, so I'll leave it at... I stinkin walked to Maine!

The last few days on the trail have been tough. We did the "hardest mile" on the trail, which was actually a lot of fun rock climbing and scrambling... but it has been rainy and COLD and today there was a good bit of ice on Old Speck Mtn and it snowed on top of Baldplate, while the wind howled. It's been hard, no lie, but beautiful. Today we slack packed 10 of the 15 miles, which mean we left our packs and walked... it was unexpected and WONDERFUL and now we're staying at a hostel... while it is supposed to be in the 20s tonight in the mountains... ahhhh!

Hard days... but hiking is amazing... so I thought _ would tell you the things I LOVE about being a thru hiker... here goes... beautiful sunrises and sunsets over lakes and mountains, dessert at every meal (even breakfast), mornings in the mountains when I get uninterupted prayer time (daily), hiking with my friend "SweetCheeks" who makes me laugh every day, feeling accomplished when I haul myself up a big mountain, the beauty of nature, the changing leaf colors, unexpected friendships, eating anything I want, clean sock day (!), climbing huge rocks, no tv or phones, knowing I can walk 20 miles any day I choose to, and (among other things) the simplicity of living in the mountains. I'm blessed

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details....

It is interesting to me how foreign a concept it is that I live in the woods. Funny, because it's just my current life... and while I love it, I don't think its all that interesting! None the less, I have promised for a while to do a little accounting of what my days (and eating!) on the trail looks like... so here you go!
630 am- Get up, take down the tent and pack up... and eat breakfast! Usually, pop tarts and a granola bar.
730 or 8- start walking (for some reason usually uphill =))
after 5 miles- snack time! usually crackers and pb and craisins, then more walking!
after 5 more miles- lunch! pb or cheese bagels, a granola bar and a candy bar
then more walking until 530 or 6- arrive at the shelter or campsite. set up tent and get water, hang my pack... eat a snack (candy bar usually!)
then, dinner time- ramen and tuna or mac and cheese, cookies, and crackers or a snack bar.
around 8- hang the bear bag and bed time!

See? THRILLING!!

Oh and in case you wonder... here's what I ate on my zero day in Rutland- 2 chicken chimichangas for breakfast, a banana muffin, 2 donuts, an iced coffee, a chicken bacon panini and chips, a salad, an italian sub, a pb brownie, and 2 ice cream bars! seriously.

For the sake of full disclosure I will say I have lost a significant amount of weight... but I don't reccommend eating tons of candy and walking 8 to 10 hours a day as a diet plan. wait. Yes I do!! hahaha

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a quest

Current location: Gorham, NH

Accumulated miles: 1350ish+

All along the trail people talk about the White Mountains of New Hampshire as both the most beautiful and most difficult days of hiking. Arriving in Gorham last night I have now finished the Whites and I am so sad to see it end. Definitely hard and a solid butt kicking every day, it was also insanely beautiful and far and away my favorite part of the trail thus far. It rained and was cold at the beginning of the week, but ended with amazing views and sunshine climbing over Mt. Washington and Madison and beyond. AMAZING.

It also had me thinking about a lot of things this week in the mountains... but one quote has weighed heavy in my thoughts. Before the death by falling down a mountain of my kindle, I was reading a Ruth Haley Barton book. One paragraph spoke to me and I think says volumes about where I am on this path I am walking (both on the trail and in life)...

"Unlike a trip designed to get us somewhere as efficiently as possible, a quest requires us to leave familiar dwelling places for strange lands we cannot yet envision, without knowing when we will return. The journey requires a willingness to say goodbye to life as we know it because our heart is longing for something more."

Yes please! I am both longing for and receiving much more than I can express. =)

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icing

Current location: White Mountains National Forest, NH

Accumulated miles: a lot. seriously.

The other day I was walking and thinking about the fact that I may just walk all the way to Maine. Crazy. I am about 130 miles from the border. I never thought I would walk this far... insane. If all goes well, and my body doesnt complelty fall apart I just might make it.

I have been thinking about why I came out here in the first place... what was I looking for? I know I was looking for peace... for a place to reconnect with who I am and who I want to be... with the things I have lost sight of and desperately love about who I am. I have found those things and more while walking over huge mountains... getting in likely the best shape of my life... and making friends for a lifetime. I am blessed.

Now what? Now the idea of getting to Maine... of more laughter with friends, amazing views, big mountains conquered... and continuing to find peace is all just icing on the cake. I get to have today... and I only get one shot at today... no reruns... so I want to experience the rest of my time out here as icing on an amazingly wonderful cake. I'm blessed!!

I have been keeping track of my food intake and soon I will blog it... along with what I do every day (hint: eat, walk, sleep) but for now... thanks for your love and support... I'm headed to sleep tonight knowing this experience has been NOTHING like I thought it would be... and I'm blessed by that. =)

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Beauty

Current Location: Hanover, NEW HAMPSHIRE

Accumulated Miles: 1200ish

A few days ago I stayed at a cabin on the top of a mountain in Vermont. Just a shelter really, but on the top of the mountain... and in the morning I woke up to the sky turning pink and went outside to watch an amazing sunrise.

Vermont was beautiful. Each day the scenery changed bunches of times, there were some great views (and tough climbs). New Hampshire will be beautiful too, although the White Mountains seem intimidating, I know I can do it.

Beauty. It's surrounding me every day. In the simplicity of hiking, in the laughter I share with friends, in the journey I find myself on, in the things God is teaching me. Beauty.

I want to be a person who embraces the beautiful parts of life. I tend to be a "glass half full" girl to begin with... and I love unexpected glimpses into the beautiful life. When this crazy experience ends I want to be a person who embraces beauty, not rushes on by it. I want to embrace these moments that are for now... not forever... these opportunities to be surprised and blessed by the beauty all around me.

I want to live in the moment, to embrace the day, not move so quickly through life that I miss the joys of today.

love yous!

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making peace...

Current location: north of Dalton, Massachusettes

Accumulated miles: 1080ish

Today found me in Dalton, MA after a long sleepless night in a shelter a few miles from town. As we were heading to Dalton yesterday afternoon we stopped to chat about thru hiking with some ladies and then it started raining.. so we stayed in a shelter instead with 2 women and a 4 year old... AND A MOUSE.

#1 fear of old Carly? Mice!! (geckos, birds, and bats). I hate them in an unexplainable way. I've avoided shelters repeatedly to not have to deal with them... yet there one was... TRAUMA!!

So today I thought a bunch about making peace. At some point I will have to coexist with the mice. At some point I will have to be ok with them. I have to choose to stop being a "girl" about it and be a "serious hiker".

There is a lot I need to make peace with in my life that is bigger than mice. Things I need to learn about where God has me right now and make peace with. Life isn't perfect, but everything is in God's control... and he certainly knows whats best for me.

So today, while I haul myself over some really big hills... I am looking to make peace within myself, so I can be open to the amazing possibilities that stand in front of me.

Making peace....

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I have not gone crazy... promise!

Current Location: north of Great Barrington, Massachusettes

Acumulated trail miles: 1036ish

And I'm back on the blogging wagon... aren't we all so happy? =) As I was walking and thinking today it just seemed a good time to jump back in... so here we go.

I haven't gone crazy. There seems to be some thought that old Carly has lost her mind. Nope. Not crazy that I know of. I mean, something is inherently a little off about someone who lives in a tent in the woods... but I am not nuts!

Maybe it was because things seemed to happen quickly with leaving Sulphur Grove and then leaving Ohio, but for me those things were a long time coming. I didn't lose my mind and quit my job to go hiking... but I am hiking because I left my job. To be honest, this is exactly where I need to be right now. It's simple, peaceful, and good. I laugh a lot, I walk A LOT, I eat A LOT, and mostly I just be... simple, easy, plain jane Carly... who I've always been and lost sight of for a while... its what my soul needs right now and its GOOD.

So no, not crazy...just takin some time to do something different while I figure out what's next. I'm still me. Just a less clean version!

Coming soon... a day in my life on the trail AND I'm going to make a list of the food I eat for a day. It's going to make you... ummm. puke? or laugh!

love you's!

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living outside the bubble...

I've been thinking a lot lately (don't worry, it doesn't hurt me too much!). Seriously though... I've been thinking about living in a bubble. (Yup, I'm crazy)...

Recently I decided to take a break from facebook, blogging, e-mail... all of it really. I've been keeping my phone off most of the time... just kinda laying low. It all came about because I was thinking about my bubble. Being in ministry for the last 10 years has been good. I very much love ministry and I know I will get back there someday... but sometimes it feels a bit like living in a bubble. A friend in Brazil told me once that we lived in a bubble... everyone knew everything that was going on in our lives there! So much of who I am and what I do even now is on continuous display. I am a strong believer in transparency, and especially in leadership, I don't want people to think I'm not exactly who I say I am... but sometimes it feels a bit overwhelming...and I know that in this time of transition some people have gotten hurt... I don't want to cause more pain.

So I 've decided to spend some time outside that bubble. I am spending some time away and not being in the middle of things. Eventually I'll blog again and go back to facebook... but for now, to protect a lot of people, including myself... its better to be outside the bubble for a while.

Someday soon I'll be back with more ridiculousness to share.. but for now...

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Minnesooooooota

The last few weeks have been a challenge for me as I have tried to

figure out what I want, where I want to be,

and what is next in my path. 

It's been a hard journey... but a beautiful one as well. 

It's good to be me. 

I am blessed.

Here's some of the beauty I crossed paths with last week in St. Paul/Minneapolis, Minnesota.

   



You lookin for us??

Lookin for updates from the youth mision trip in St. Paul?

Look here:  youthatsg.blogspot.com...

Tuesday thoughts...

I have a book of quotes that I have collected, things other people have said that inspire me.  I love when people have the gift of words, of inspiring and motivating with the things they say.  I don't have that gift, so I amazed by eloquence.  Today I was searching for a quote for the youth mission trip shirts and found one that spoke to me (not for the trip, but for my life in this moment), so of course, I decided to share it with you.  Lucky you!!

"Risk more than others think is safe,

Care more than others think is wise,

Dream more than others think is practical,

Expect more than others think is possible."

yes, please.  =)

When the rules change...

Today I spent the day at Camp Whip Poor Will for our annual challenge course recertification testing.  This year it was pretty laid back and the weather was beautiful.  We used to test in March and it was always horribly cold and snowy.  I never mind climbing trees, but its an added bonus when I can feel my fingers and toes for the whole day!

I have taken the challenge course certification test 12 times... TWELVE... yep... you can add that up in your head pretty easily to see that that equals 12 years... wow, I'm old!  It's funny because today our instructor changed two things that I learned every year from my first year as a facilitator... #1.  When we spot we shouldn't be focused on protecting heads and necks, we should be focused on the "splat and smear" technique, which creates friction... yup, that makes no sense to you, but it TOTALLY does to me!  #2.  The last instructor on the course is now allowed to zip off the course.  WHAT???  After 12 years of thinking... hey, it would be easier to just lower gear and then zip myself but thinking that was an absolute NO NO... now we can... what the heck!!

After 12 years of training they changed the rules on me.  Not in a bad way, but a change none the less.

Its funny to me when things change.  I am not the most sentimental person.  I don't hold onto stuff and I don't hold to too many traditions... but something about rules... well, that's different!  I am a "rule breaker" a lot of the time, I like to push the boundaries a bit... but when you tell me repeatedly that it is a "rule" I will usually follow it... I'm a bit of a dork like that.  Then when the rule changes, it throws me off a bit. 

Today Paul (our instructor) told us that "Failure isn't always fatal, failure can often be functional.  The more chances we have to fail, the more likely we are to succeed."  In the midst of struggling through some things in the last week or so, I have realized how often my fear isn't that I will get hurt or that I will die... but that I will fail... or worse yet, someone will think I have failed.  As I think about some important things, I wonder what I could "succeed" at if I was a bit more willing to risk failure.

When the rules change, sometimes you get to do

something amazing that you couldn't do before.

When we overcome fear, sometimes we get to do

something that is way bigger than the risk.

Thinking.... about things that stand in the way....



Today...

For some reason I woke up this morning and was overwhelmed by my desire to be here:

Working up my motivation to get out of bed and be productive would have been much easier if I had people to tell me they were leaving me behind if I didn't get moving.  Today I woke up missing my friends:

Today when I woke up I was wishing I was heading down this path: 

But I'm not. 

I'm here in Ohio... working on some things for the mission trip and trying to be productive.

I just kept thinking all morning... maybe I shouldn't have gone hiking to begin with.

What if I never stop wishing I was there?

What if I never stop thinking about the journey I am missing?

I can function here.... I can be productive... and I can miss the trail too.

I CAN do both... I just have to convince myself its possible.

It has been good to be home and laugh and catch up.

It has been good to sleep in my bed and see my dogs.

Crazy trips to the lake with Faye to see Linds.... 

Those are good too. 

 I think I am in this very strange spot of saying... this is my real life... but the trail was my real life too.  It all CAN coexist.  I may shower now and wear clean clothes... I may not stink as bad or wear dirty socks every day... but I'm still the same girl I was on the trail.  I don't want to lose sight of that.  I don't want to lose what I found there...

I want to be hiking again and I think all the time about how to make it happen.

Something is very, very wrong with me!!
Just thought you should know the truth.  =)

Loving Well...

I don't know about you, but one of the things I struggle with is saying goodbye.  Not when I know I will see the person in the next day or two or even in the next week or month... I struggle with saying goodbye in open ended ways.  I hate the end of trips and happenings when I am unsure when or if I will see people again.  I'm just really bad at goodbye.  I'm really awkward and I usually just hide from it.  Sometimes I will refuse to talk about impending departure up until the last minute, pretending its not coming and I am not going to have to walk away.  Then, when the goodbye actually comes, I am often the first to high-five and walk away before anyone might catch me off guard.  If I do end up with a quick hug... well, tears sometimes follow.. and I hate crying even more than I hate goodbye.

Lame?  Perhaps. 

I just don't do it well... and honestly, saying goodbye isn't something I want to practice getting better at... so I don't do it!  However, I know it is important to say goodbye in ways that honor the relationship and friendships that I have.  I want to do that.  I just struggle with it.

Today I was in Louisville with my brother and his family when I found out that an old friend had passed away.  He's been sick for a while and I haven't seen him in a long time.  However, Weadock was someone I loved and looked forward to seeing at camp each August.  The very first time I spoke at camp he told me "Carly, that was ok.  Not great, but it was ok.  However, it was honest, and that's what you need to be if you are going to 'preach', you gotta be honest.  Oh, and you should be a stand up comedian."  I still smile when I think of that conversation. In that moment Weadock told me exactly what I needed to hear.  He told me that I wasn't the "pastor" that the rest of the clergy are, but that what I bring to the table is important too.  He told me that he believed in me and what I have to say.  I love that and I cherish that comment every time I speak.   Weadock and I were really different.  We didn't always see eye to eye, but we disagreed over laughter and smiles.  He always told me exactly what he thought and reminded me that I should always tell the truth, even if people didn't want to hear it.  I loved Weadock and I will miss him in big, big ways.

Weadock's passing got me thinking about saying goodbye... and loving well.  I have long told people that part of loving well is letting people know how you feel about them, reminding them they are loved, and not leaving things unsaid.  Even though I STINK at saying goodbye, I don't think there are many people who would doubt how I feel about them.  If we love others well we don't let goodbyes happen while things are left unsaid. We encourage people, are honest with them, and don't let them wonder.

Have I always loved well?  No.  Is it something I am striving for?  Yep.

Have I done a good job of making sure others know I love them?  I hope so!

I want to live love.  I want to love well.  I want to tell people how much I value them and not leave things to chance.  I want people to see that I love them, their uniqueness, and their presence in my life.  I am so very thankful for friends, and I want to be sure that they know it.

Weadock was a blessing to me.  He will be missed.

Too tired to sleep....

How can that be?  How can I be too tired to sleep?  Dunno, but I am!  I think my "sleep window" has moved back significantly, so when I find myself out late I have missed that "first sleep"... and I have no idea when the second one is coming... I hope its soon!

Today I hiked 4 miles and then got in my car, came home, and took a shower.  That's still weird to me, but it was the first significant hike I have taken since I have been home, so it was good.  I was giving the bum leg an opportunity to show me how it has healed... it failed pretty painfully, but I don't care, I want to walk!  So I did.  =)

This afternoon I went up to Lakeside with Faye to visit Lindsay.  It was rainy but we had a lot of good laughs, good food, and of course good coffee.  Then we watched probably the strangest concert I have attended in my ENTIRE LIFE (and that's saying something!), seriously so weird.  Disturbingly so, but whatevs!

I have been thinking today about fear.  (Yup, I think about odd things at odd times!).  I have been thinking about fear in the context of being willing to face the things that scare me.  Not things like moving water or mice... but things like vulnerability, showing weakness, or failure.  I have never been good at letting people into my little bubble.  I don't like people to know what I struggle with or what might show I have weakness.  Yet this sabbatical time has been exactly that.  In order to get to here I had to put out in the open my shortcomings, weakness, and failure.  I had to be willing to say "I can't do this" and "I need help"... ahhhhh!  Two statements that are so very true and so very scary to admit at the same time.

In order for my sabbatical to START I had to be willing to admit that I was in desperate need of help, rest, and refocus.  Scary to admit, but very very true.  In the process of these weeks, as my journey has unfolded, I have had to admit that I am imperfect, vulnerable, and at times, lost.  I have gained a lot in these weeks.  I have learned that I am in fact not going to achieve perfection, that in weakness we learn strength and in being lost we surrender to being found.  I have also found that there are an awful lot of people on this journey with me, who never expected me to be perfect to start with.  =) 

I don't always learn lessons well the first time.  Sometimes I need to be beat over the head REPEATEDLY before I begin to understand.  I tend to be stubborn and desperate to be self sufficient.  I hate to have people see that I may not be able to handle EVERYTHING on my own.  Yet it is in facing fear that we learn where our strength comes from.  It is in admitting we can't and don't want to do this on our own that we find purpose and meaning that can only come from acknowleding that just maybe, God knows better.

And it is in falling down and getting banged up every now and then that we better understand God's grace.  It is in saying "I actually can't do this on my own" and "I can't figure out how to NOT keep screwing this up" that we learn to depend on a plan and purpose much greater than our own. 

Truly that is where I want to land... I want to land in the place where there are things much bigger than my own imperfection, where God's grace is more than sufficient for my weakness and where, even when I feel lost, I know that someone else knows EXACTLY where I am headed.

I live here...

Today I went to two very different worship services at two very different churches.   They were both good, in different ways and one of them was the church I grew up in.  It’s always nice to go back there… weird that they know so much about what is happening with me even though I haven’t been there in a while… but good none the less.  There is beauty in going home.  I spent a lot of time thinking and praying when I was hiking… but there is something about being in worship that I didn’t realize I missed so much.  It was good.  (Added bonus points that I went with my parents… they like it when I go to church with them, which only happens a few times a year… bonus points to the slacker daughter! hahahahahaha)

This afternoon I baked a new caramel brownie recipe for my dad (Father’s Day you know) and re-seam sealed part of my tent that had started to leak.  I also washed my pack (which was really, really gross) and sleeping bag.  I haven’t gotten around to putting everything away yet because a big part of me is holding out hope that I can hike again soon… possibilities….

My leg is feeling a whole lot better even though I still walk funny down stairs.  I do this weird lean on the wall thing.  I don’t know what’s up with that.  I guess I haven’t figured out how to walk down steps yet, who knows!!  The leg is still swollen a bit, but what’s a girl to do?  I can’t just sit around and do nothing!

This week I plan to go to Lakeside to visit Lindsay and to Louisville to visit my nephew… I mean to visit my brother and Katie.  =)  I’m hoping for coffee dates with a few people and just “doing my thing”.

I was thinking today a bunch of times about what I was doing last week at this time or about how a week ago I was getting ready for my last night on the trail.  I wonder how long that will last… that nostalgic feeling.   It’s funny because I find myself all the time (when people ask) saying… “My trip?  My trip was good.”  It’s hard for me to put it into any other words.

Was it perfect?  Nope. Was it painless?  Heck no!  Was it easy?  Uh uh.  Was it good?  Yup. Very good.

IT made me think about the idea of simple beauty.  I so often look for the big, the eventful, the ridiculous… but what surrounds me every day will so easily slip past if I don’t see the simple joy in today.  Do I wish I was hiking out of Pearisburg tomorrow?  Yup.  Is that my reality?  Nope!  Could I sit tomorrow and be sad for what I am missing?  Sure!  Am I sad?  Yes.  However, I can’t live in that place… that place of wishing and dreaming… it’s a slippery slope. 

Where I can live is in this place… where I say, yes, I wish I was there and hopefully I will get back there soon… I can say I LOVE to hear what is happening and I LOVE getting updates from hiker friends… but I also have to live HERE, because that is where I am!  I have to live these moments and embrace these gifts, because I don’t get another today.

I want to live with both the wishing/longing and the reality co-mingled.  There is beauty in dreams.  There is beauty in unknown possibility.   There is beauty in being right where you are… immersed in the moment you find yourself.

I want to love this day for what it is, in rainy, humid Ohio.   It may not be a mountain, but it is where I am for now… and I am blessed (and still dreaming…)

Telling the truth...

I've been talking to people lately... and well, if you know anything about me you know that if you put a cup of coffee in front of me and start talking I can sit for HOURS.  As long as the coffee lasts and usually beyond!  It's been interesting to me to hear people's questions about my trip and sabbatical journey.  While I love talking about my trip and sabbatical, I also love to hear what people are doing, what's been happening while I've been away, and what's on their hearts.  I know, I know... Carly loves to talk?  NO WAY!

However, since Monday night the most asked questions I get from people are... was it worth it?  Are you glad you went?   What did you learn?  So here you go...

Was it worth it?  200% yes.  I missed some things at home while I was away that I wish I had been a part of, but I wouldn't give up my time away for anything.  It was ABSOLUTELY worth it.  Every bit of pain, frustration, and struggle was worth it... as was every bit of laughter, beauty and joy.  I would do it again in a second... especially if I knew it could last longer.

Am I glad I went?  YES.  When I was getting ready to leave Brazil I was struggling with coming home.  A dear friend told me one day that we leave a piece of our heart behind every time we love.  The AT will long have a piece of my heart.  Not everyone has a desire to walk 500 miles or more... for some people it sounds pretty horrible I am sure... but for me it was exactly what I needed and much much more.  Big parts of me still wish I could be out there and I ABSOLUTELY will finish the whole trail... but for this season of my life the AT was right where I needed to be.

What did I learn?  I could go on an on... so many things I learned and am still processing.  I'm a thinker, a person who contemplates and dissects experiences... I don't always have the words to put them into good learning statements, but I know I will continue to learn from my sabbatical for a long, long time.  So, what did I learn?  I learned that peace isn't always found where we expect it and sometimes the biggest risks have the greatest rewards.  I learned that mountains (both literal and figurative) are meant to be climbed and journeys are meant to transform... and sometimes the hardest mountains to climb and the longest, toughest journeys teach us the best lessons.  I learned that friendship is a blessing that not everyone gets to have and we should be thankful for the gift.  I also learned that sometimes the people we love the most and that teach us the most are the ones that we don't expect it from.  I learned that it is a gift to have people who allow you to live big, ridiculous dreams and I am blessed with people who trust me, even when I seem ridiculous.  I learned that laughter and solitude are equally good for the soul and that sometimes we need to be in a place with quite literally no worries.  I learned that sometimes you have to "build a bridge and get over it" if you want to see the beauty of the day.  I learned that sometimes we need to "just let it go" and sometimes we need to say what needs to be said no matter how awkward it is.  I learned there are surprises in life we can't plan for and being willing to embrace life as it comes is the greatest lesson we can learn.  Most of all I learned that God has a plan that I can't begin to comprehend or plan and in being willing to take time to listen and follow even when I don't understand, I will find the most peace.

I learned lots of other things too... but for now, it's late and I'll save the rest for another day... a picture post is coming soon.

Love yas, miss yas, bye!

Answering a few questions... well, maybe more than a few....

In the last few days I have spent time with some people that I love and I seem to answer the same questions a lot... not that I mind, its just that people are curious.  It's funny to me because the questions people have aren't things I have even thought about.  SO, this here blog entry is just factual.  No extra deep thoughts... just a few things people have asked so I thought I would clarify.  ALSO, I'll still answer any questions, so if you have more ask them next time you see me.  If there is one thing that I love right now it is talking about hiking... since I can't actually BE hiking, I can talk about it.  =)  And we all know I love to talk!

Here's some answers for you....

# of Days I was gone:  47

# of Days I hiked:  41

Where I started:  Springer Mountain in Amicola State Park, Georgia

Where I finished:  Mt Roger's Ranger Station/Visitor Center near Marion, VA

# of trail miles hiked: 528

Most miles hiked in a day: 21.5

Average pack weight with 4 days of food and some water:  31(ish) pounds I think

Food I ate the most on the trail:  Ramen, ramen, tuna, and more ramen… oh and snickers and poptarts

Food I ate most in town:  PANCAKES, bacon cheeseburgers, ice cream and bbq

Favorite part of the trail to hike:  Grayson Highlands and the Smokies (even though it was cold, it was an awful lot of laughs and fun!), plus a couple amazing rock ridges that I climbed over were BEAUTIFUL (and we all know I like to climb over rocks to start with!)

Favorite surprise:  When the storm clouds broke just before I fell asleep on Cheoah Bald and Pat told me to come watch the sunset over the valley… and it was amazing.

Best Trail Magic:  Diet Dr. Pepper from the Baptist Church, it fueled my very fast and VERY obnoxious final 3 miles of a 21 mile day… and Iowa didn’t try to kill me (although he may have tried to run away from my hyperactive ridiculousness!)

Least favorite moment:  Saying goodbye on my last morning… and going to bed AND waking up shivering multiple nights in the Smokies.

Scariest Moment:  When I fell… and it was really just scary to others, it wasn’t as scary to me until after I realized I had lived!

Biggest laugh:  Listening to Uncle Rey and Iowa insult each other, while in separate tents in the rain… and walking with Iowa while he sang/quoted Napoleon Dynamite/told me “Gingers have souls.”

# of days I hiked all day in the rain:  1

# of times I cried: 0!

# of toenails lost:  one

# of blisters:  LOTS, and lots of duck tape used to cover them!

# of times I made fun of people getting lost: LOTS

# of times I was really lost: 2

Wildlife I saw:  lots of turkeys, 1 little mouse (in town!), chipmunks out the wazoo, deer, snakes, salamanders, lots o' wild ponies, and 2 bears.

# of times I told people I smelled bad:  MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE!

# of times they agreed:  Every single one!

# of weird, weird people out hiking the AT:  Way too many

# of normal people out hiking the AT:  do normal people walk hundreds of miles?  I mean, honestly?

# of people I would go find right now and hike with for another 1500 miles: 2, for sure.

Where did I sleep:  In my tent as much as possible and in shelters when tenting wasn't an option or it was going to rain (carrying a wet tent is crummy).

How did I cook:  I have a little stove and fuel canister, but I only cooked dinner and it was usually ramen!

Where did I shower:  In town... every 5 or so days... hence the smell.  =)

Bathrooms?  Privies sometimes and sometimes trees... you can't be picky!

Did I lose weight?  Yep... apparently eating lots of candy and pop tarts is evened out by walking for 8-10 hours a day over mountains... who knew?!

There you have it... probably more than you want to know, but that's what you get.  =)