Don't watch the videos...

Today I was super lazy... and by super lazy I mean I didn't work at either of my jobs.  Weird but true.

SO, this evening after a day full of church, hanging out with my mother, watching 9 year old basketball games, and trying really, really hard to not either cry or scream (that's where I'm at today, just being honest)... I sat down on my bed before dinner and something bad happened...

I decided to watch some other people's videos of their AT thru hikes.

Don't watch the videos.

Seriously.

This week, as I have wished and fought with myself about how to make another hiking adventure happen, as I have struggled with the desire to just walk away, like I did last time... as I have wished to sleep in a tent and snuggle down into my sleeping bag...

I shouldn't have watched the videos.

I miss the woods.  WAY WAY WAY more than is reasonable.

I truly believe that I lived my hike to the fullest.  I believe that I had a good attitude and even on the tough days I learned amazing lessons and embraced beauty... I don't know that I could have done much differently to really embrace the experience...

Yet I miss the woods and long to be there.  Watching the videos makes my heart not just long for, but ache for the woods.

Don't watch the videos.

Tuesdays sometimes feel like Mondays...

It is pouring, pouring, pouring down rain this morning... and I am EXHAUSTED from my weekend at Chrysalis.  Sometimes Tuesday mornings feel like Mondays... ho hum!

So depressing that is... Mondays can be rough, especially after amazing weekends like I had at Greene Street UMC.  Mondays usually come with the dread of another long week ahead... much coffee to be made, many groceries to scan.  Monday is hard.

Today I don't want to feel that though... today I want to be excited for a new week... especially after spending so much time this weekend thinking about what I really want, where I really want to be, and what direction I really want to take.  I won't be a barista forever (that I know of), but its not that bad right now.  I like the people I work with and laugh a lot.  Being a cashier is a LOT less fun, but that too is for now, hopefully not forever.

My feet itch to walk long paths through the wilderness... my heart desires to be with my trail friends, old and new... my soul longs for the peace of being a hiker.  But truth... truth is that I knew when I walked off the top of every mountain along the way that I couldn't be a hiker forever.  I WILL have to have a job, make money, pay the bills... I would LOVE for that to not be true, but it is.  I can be a hiker forever, but not every day of it.  When I first came home from Virginia in October I thought my longing for the wilderness would fade as life happened around me and I moved on.  Although I wouldn't say I think about it ALL the time anymore, it is certainly something that I think about way, way more than I imagined I would.

This weekend, on Girls Flight #53, I sat with the most amazing 4 teen girls at the Table of Transformers, Butterflies in Disguise (don't ask), and my youth table leader.  Five amazing and beautiful girls who laughed a lot, thought a lot, shared a lot, and (mostly) embraced their experience.  We talked a lot about love, passion, living lives that are important... making a difference.  Looking at them I remember all those years ago when I sat in the same spot and thought similar thoughts and dreamed similar dreams.  My life is amazing.  I love it so very much.  This weekend I resolved that even when Tuesdays feel like Mondays and all I really want is to crawl back into bed and sleep for a year, when my heart longs for the mountains, and my soul longs for peace... I will remember how amazing my life is, how far I have journeyed... and as Kinsey said... "God's not done with me yet".

**PS. If you know anyone who wants to pay me to hike, I'm open to that too!!  Hahahaha... no, seriously.

Find the roast you love the most...

If you had found yourself at the Brown Street Starbucks the last couple of days between the early hours of 7 and 10 am, my fellow barista Bethany and I could have helped you to discover the 'roast you love the most'... We would also fill your mind with some of our vast (not) coffee knowledge. True.

 Lately the big wigs have been visiting our Kroger. Apparently our store is the 2nd highest grossing store in the nation. When they stop and talk to us we are suppose to say 'it doesn't get any better than this.' True.

This weekend I am serving on a Chrysalis team, completely unexpectedly. I have some amazing memories, great friends and inspired moments that have happened in this old church. It is an unexpected blessing to be serving here, especially when I have been missing ministry so much. True.

 This week was hard. People I love dearly were hurting in big ways... I worked myself to the edge of exhaustion... I didn't get to have much time for family or friends... And the person I usually love to intentionally email or text every day went days between messages.

I haven't replied to emails in ages, I rarely sit and chat with my mom anymore... Life is busy, the wind is cold... And time moves along.

 There have been some amazing sunsets this week, nights full of beautiful cold, black, starry skies... Even the moon has been big and orange and amazing. This week I missed sleeping in a tent, snuggled up in a sleeping bag... It's too cold for that right now, but I sure would love it.

Some days I really miss my old life... Both the pre trail one and trail life.

Some days I am so thankful for this season, these days.

I recently read a quote that said "feed your dreams, not your fears." So as I find myself here, in this season, I am learning to do just that. I have big dreams. I want things that seem unattainable. I want things that depend on what others choose, things beyond my control... I have crazy plans and no idea how to make them be reality... But I want to feed the dreams, I want to live a big, big life.

 Maybe part of being here this weekend, in this old, familiar place, is about learning to be quiet and learning to let go of control. I'm ready for the next adventure. Wanna come?!

Living forward, learning from the past...

Don't worry... I won't get too deep!!

 2012 came in with lots of fanfare for me... a party with dear friends I don't see nearly enough of.... WAY too many lattes and groceries... The usual...

Except it's not usual at all.

I've written here so many times about how my life has changed and how I intimidating that can be... But I resolved the other night that I wouldn't face 2012 living in the past... Time to head in new directions, time to move forward. However, since 2011 was a pretty crazy year in the life of this girl, I thought I'd be remiss to not do a little remembering/ learning from it. Here goes....

 In 2011 I left a job I loved in a place I felt safe to take a big risk and trust that God had something new for me. I learned I am stronger and more resilient than I thought. I learned that the safest life and the easiest decisions don't come with guarantees and risk is worth it.

In 2011 I took amazing trips to the Dominican Republic and Minnesota and... Indiana! I learned that God is still in the business of using silly, immature, selfish people like me to serve and love. I learned that I have much growing to do and that my heart still breaks for those in need.

 In 2011 I took a really, really, REALLY long walk in the woods. I learned that crazy dreams come true, adventures change lives, climbing the big mountains makes you stronger, and life is meant to be embraced. I learned that some of the best people I know I found in the woods... and allowing them into my life has made my life richer and far more blessed.

In 2011 I also walked through days with old friends and beautiful people. I learned that I have changed and grown and accountability to those girls has helped me hold onto my center when the world has been spinning. I laughed much more than is reasonable this year and learned to see joy in my days. I prayed an awful lot this year and learned that blessings don't always look like I think they should, but God always provides.

Most of all I think this year I learned to love and live well.

As I head into the new year the things that I learned and the people who got me through 2011 will continue to carry me through.  I am blessed.  I have no idea where I will be a year from now, just as I had no idea a year ago I would be where I am today.  However, I won't dwell on what was, the mistakes and missteps that were part of this year.  I won't dwell on the hurt or confusion, the difficult or complicated.  Instead I want to head into 2012 with an open heart and mind, ready to embrace whatever comes, take risks without being afraid, and live a big, big life.

Learn from the past, live forward.  I'm in.